He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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