I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
