I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
