god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
