1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
