Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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