ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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