i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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