I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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