yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
