I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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