fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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