The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
