My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
