There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
