So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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