And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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