I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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