Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
