im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
