I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
