My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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