i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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