I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
