yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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