Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
