ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
