you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
