So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Randomize
