I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My bed smells like the plague
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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