Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
