So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
