I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
