You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
