I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
