How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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