I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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