I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
