Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
