I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
