god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
