How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
