There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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