if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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