Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
