Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
