Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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