if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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