I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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