I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
