So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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