Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
