life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
