I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
